There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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