Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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