I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
