And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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