I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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