Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
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