I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
