Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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