you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
