Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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