i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i need some magic done to my vagina
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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