Don't make out with my wife yet
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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