Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
