soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
