you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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