i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
