His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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