You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
