and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
