i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize