I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
