someone owes me an orgasm
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
