sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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