If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
