I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
