Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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