I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
