I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Randomize
