There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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