This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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