Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
