Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize