You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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