Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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