at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
