you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
someone owes me an orgasm
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Randomize
