My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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