Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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