I just pynch a tree in the face
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
