I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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