Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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