Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
