How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
