Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
