Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have feelings that need drinking.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
