It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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