can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
