Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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