Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
