there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
