I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
