I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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