You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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