that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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