The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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