god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
