I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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