it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
