I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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